Sep 26, 2018
By Sarina Villalpando
Everybody has a testimony. No matter how big or how small, it exists—because we exist and God exists and we are where we are for a reason. Today I will share a part of mine.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” —Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
There are so many moments in my life I could discuss and so many ways I could say God has saved me or has worked in my life. God sightings are everywhere. My life is a beautiful broken mess, and every day I’m on my feet is a testimony. But I’ll bring it to just these past couple of years, more specifically school years.
God is my strength. 1 Samuel 2:4, “The bows of warriors are broken but those who stumble are armed with strength.”
He is the reason I can get out of bed. The reason I can go through everyday life. The reason I can be here in front of you and the reason I am on a path to loving myself.
A little background on me. For years I have dealt with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. It is something I have learned to accept and function with but not let take over me. Sometimes those things can take over and ruin all your plans and progress. I used to wonder why God placed these things in my life if He loved me. But I learned He believes in me, He knows I’m strong, and He wants me to be there to help others through it. I’ve had many journeys with my bundle of stuff and if you want to know more, you can always ask me—I’m an open book.
A majority of my school life I was constantly busy because my end goal was always to get into a top university, graduate in four years and be in the career I wanted as soon as possible. But last summer, God decided to change that around.
After high school I did make it into a top university, the University of California San Diego in California. Also to emphasize how hard I worked in high school, I was top 20 out of about 620 students. I was the president of a bunch of clubs, captain of my academic decathlon team, cross country and track teams. I was also a major part of my school theater’s tech program and taking multiple AP courses.
I loved it in UCSD. I made great friends, found an amazing sorority and even made a connection with a professor of my degree. Near the end of the semester, I honestly could tell I wasn’t where I should be—but I was in denial because it was something I worked so hard for. I most especially did not want to be a disappointment, both to my family and those who depended on me at school. I felt stuck and my mental health progress faded. Even though I loved the school, my anxiety and depression were at their worst, no longer part of me but taking over me. I could no longer find strength in the things I used to and was giving up on myself. I no longer felt or heard God. Well, mostly I just wasn’t listening. By the end of the school year I was crying to my mom, feeling useless and overtaken. Her response was that basically I needed a break—I needed to focus on myself for once and pray and understand. My life and health needed to come first.
That was the first time the thought of leaving school became an idea. I immediately pushed it to the side because I had other things to worry about. I thought, “I’ve gotten through this before, I’ll do it again. God must really hate me if He put me through high school with only three hours of sleep for nothing. I’m not changing my plans.” And then I let it go, because I had other things to do.
Then I came to SCSC last year(2017) and decided to use the summer to focus on fixing myself. I spent a lot of last year feeling like God left me, until during worship, God ripped down the brick wall that I used to separate us and said “I’m not giving up on you.” I spent the whole summer praying, asking God to make me better, to help me gain control again because I was tired of fighting the pain.
Throughout the summer God was giving me little signs that showed me that I shouldn’t go back to school. But I didn’t feel I had it in me to quit something I worked so hard for. I remember crying at night, begging God to come up with a different plan. But He didn’t. Finally I surrendered. It was a night after a long day and I was checking emails and messages and I remember reading a groupchat with my future roommates. We were having a hard time finding an apartment—it was then I decided I didn’t want to go back. When I finally accepted it, I instantly felt this relief, a comfort and a happiness. I was still on project but I felt a change in my mood and wasn’t covering up my feelings—I was actually feeling.
I am now home taking online classes and working a part-time job—I am so much happier than I was. I didn’t feel exactly full of peace right away when I got home. I had a really hard time coping with my family as I was in school and they were going on with their life. I was feeling useless at home having nothing to do. When I first announced my decision to people, I got so much reassurance. God even placed a couple of people in my life who went through similar situations and they were my rocks—because it assured me God had a plan and it worked for them. Funny how God works like that.
I’ve taken this past year to reflect on myself and build my confidence. God took my broken pieces and glued them together. The year before last I was gone. I was this physical person with no emotion. I wasn’t myself or anyone I recognized. I was able to hold up a front but I knew that I wouldn’t hold it for much longer. I felt so much pain and self-doubt and weakness. I was weak and gave up on myself—but luckily God didn’t give up on me. I am still learning to stand back up, to put the glue where needed, but I am so lucky for God’s strength. God has convinced me to be alive twice now and I hope, in this sense, two times is the charm and not three. God is my hero because He is my strength and my comfort and the reason I am alive.
“Come and hear, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
and has heard my prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!”
—Psalm 66:16-20
God puts challenges in our lives for a reason. He changes up things for a reason. If you take anything from my testimony just remember: you are not alone and there is always a reason. You just have to find it.