Dec 26, 2018
By Rev. Nicholas J. Kersten
Director of Education and History
In this issue of the Sabbath Recorder, you have the opportunity to read the testimonies of those who have survived the trauma of abuse and have found healing through the work of God in their lives. If you haven’t had the opportunity to read those stories yet, I encourage you not to put down this issue until you have read about the work God is doing among survivors. God is mighty to save and loving to deliver, but He is also tender as He brings healing and wholeness to those who are brokenhearted.
Unfortunately, the experiences of survivors in too many churches do not reflect these traits of our God. Too many survivors encounter the body of Christ and walk away feeling accused, disbelieved, blamed, and shamed. These encounters add an additional layer of trauma to their experience and can drive them from the healing presence of God. When those who should help facilitate healing deliver wounds instead, those wounded can end up blaming God.
I have been privileged over the past 15 years in my ministry life among SDBs to be trusted with some of the stories of those who have been subjected to abuse. Too frequently, I have been the “next person” a survivor has talked to after their initial attempt to seek help in the church has led to further pain. My desire for you is to be equipped to take the first individual steps (not all the steps) in serving as the hands and feet (and ears!) of Jesus Christ. To that end, I have some suggestions for you as you serve those who need God’s care through you as they seek a safe place as a survivor of abuse.
1. Let the survivor set the emotional level of the encounter.
When someone comes to you and shares a story of trauma, it is natural to have a strong emotional reaction: indignation, anger, sadness, grief and other reactions are normal. But if your reaction to the story is too large, you will put guilt on the survivors and may discourage them from fully telling their stories. If survivors choose to trust you with their stories, your responsibility to them is to let them set the emotional level of the encounter. If they are working hard to restrain their emotions, so should you. Make the encounter about them, not your emotions.
2. Remember their trauma is their burden, not your project.
There is no question that survivors of abuse have been affected by their trauma. But when a survivor comes to you to tell their story, the first need is not to be “fixed,” as though that was something you could do anyways. Their need is for you to hear their story first without judgment or agenda. As people made in God’s image with dignity, they should be addressed that way first. Reducing survivors to their “problem” or “issue” will communicate that you care more about your need to fix than their need to be seen as a whole person. There may be a point where you can aid them in their journey, but to start, just communicate loving care—it’s the most important step. Don’t demand the survivor move at your pace to find healing—let them set the pace!
3. Avoid questions that communicate blame.
Survivors of the trauma of abuse are already psychologically predisposed to feel personally
responsible for what happened to them. Part of what they must overcome to find healing is to acknowledge that they did nothing to deserve what has happened to them. If your interaction with survivors indicates that you believe they are responsible, you will push them away from healing and towards unhealth. Questions about their conduct before, during, or after the abuse, for example, will likely communicate that you are trying to figure out why it happened and that you will blame them for their abuse if they answer. If you must ask questions, be general and don’t pry—let the survivors tell you their stories on their own terms. Research indicates that the vast majority of abuse stories are legitimate—so you can work from a position of trust without being worried about the truth of the account, especially if it is the first time you are hearing about it.
4. Don’t sweep it under the rug—be prepared to do something about it if the survivor
is ready (and maybe even if they are not).
Abuse survivors, as part of the psychological effects of abuse, often doubt whether anyone cares or will believe them. Abusers steal the will of those they abuse in such a way that those who are abused do not feel powerful to advocate for themselves. After being believed, being willing to advocate for survivors, even back to them, is a powerful sign that you believe them and that the abuse is serious and should be addressed. Abusers trust that no one will believe their targets, so standing with a survivor is one way to stop the cycle of abuse. Victims are sometimes unwilling to stand up for themselves, and that may mean you will need to stand for them, especially if the abuse is ongoing. Carefully and prayerfully consider what the survivor across from you is telling you—you may have to stand in the gap to stop the abuse. Consult local authorities for next steps if you have questions, as they will likely be able to help guide you to the appropriate resources! This is especially true if the abuser is in a position of authority (including inside the church)!
Given the staggering statistics on abuse, responding well to survivors brave enough to confide in you is a powerful step in stopping abuse and opening doors for God’s healing to work in the lives of survivors!
