Dec 26, 2018
By John J. Pethtel
The holidays are often the hardest times of year for me because I become reminded so much of what I do not have or what I have lost. I offer this testimony that I needed to write to help me through this struggle. —JP
The worst year of my life was the 12 months between June 2004 and May 2005. In those 12 months, both of my parents died. I was working three jobs at one time (one full-time, two part-time) or working a full-time job with a full-time course load. My marriage was struggling (mostly due to me). We moved across the country and away from all of our family to pursue God. When we arrived, we were told that the house in which we were going to be living was going to be put up for sale. Shortly after arriving, I was told by the person whom I respected more than anyone (my mentor) that I disappointed him and that maybe I shouldn’t pursue ministry. I struggled to fit in anywhere or find friends. I started to see a counselor before I lost everything.
2018 has been the second worst year of my life. I have strived to be the best me that I could be only to hear from people close to me how I fall short. I am still grieving the loss of people I love, some of whom have passed recently. I have worked very hard at my jobs in ministry and have seen very little reward. I have been betrayed, lied to, and slandered. I have been told to stop being and acting so much like myself. I have struggled with my classes, feeling overwhelmed and incompetent at times. I have trusted people with my vulnerability and been hurt. I have counted on people to help me and have been let down. I have had to take a break from a church I love for my own good (and for their good). Even before then, I was rarely able to attend because of my travel for work. I slid into a deep depression for almost a month this summer and had the darkest thoughts that I have had since I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 14. We were denied our dream of owning a home for reasons that we still do not understand. My phone, TV, and a computer at our house have all failed in the last month. In addition, we wrecked our “new” car. I have had people tell me who I am and what I am good at or not good at that I do not agree with. I have been heartbroken in pursuing some of my life goals.
In short, I am NOT okay right now. I am not telling you this to elicit your pity on me. I am writing this to tell you that I know I am not the only one who has experienced some bad times. Especially at this time of year, it seems as if all of the hard parts of life are harder. You grieve all of the losses of your past more than at other times (people, things, dreams, etc.). Your feelings and time get tied up with work/ family/friends/life endeavors. You start believing the worst about yourself and about your inability to meet the needs of your family/work. It is easy for this to spiral out of control.
I am writing this to let you know that even in the midst of all of these things, I have hope. Hope that has only been granted me by the faith that I have placed in Jesus as my Savior and Lord. I have so much already given to me and so much yet to be given to me through the promises of Jesus.
If you haven’t given Jesus a try to help with your depression or anxiety, check out a local Bible-believing church and ask some questions. Hear about how He had bad days and how He knows what you are going through. Hear about how He can help you overcome this life.
If this is not you, remember that not everyone who looks put together has it all together. Be a speaker, sharer, and liver of hope in the midst of others to help them find the One to whom the anchor holds.
