Dec 26, 2019
This is part of a series focused on college-age young adults.
How to Have a Productive Conversation
By Phil Lawton
Shiloh SDB Church, NJ
Yesterday I posted a rant to my Facebook page. Usually I reserve these for Twitter, that seems a more apt place for rants. They are more likely to get lost in the general attitude of contempt there. This particular rant was a little long for Twitter. At one point I thought that I might make it into a blog, but I like my blogs to be more thought out than a rant. So it went on Facebook.
What’s ironic (and a little bit sad) is that my rant involved me criticizing people for not wanting to have a conversation. But this is the pull that social media has on us. Sometimes it feels like we have lost the art of good conversations. We are quick to judge, quick to anger, and slow to listen. We don’t really care about what the other person has to say. All we really want is to prove to the world that we are right.
I think maybe we lost that art of conversation because we aren’t teaching each other how to have conversations. So I thought that starting with a discussion of how to communicate would be a good idea for a series about tough questions. In the coming months I might bring up some ideas that you don’t agree with. That’s a good thing. I don’t expect you to agree with everything I write. If you have questions or disagreements, please tell me.
I have created a Facebook page named after my blog. You can interact with me and others there. Specifically I will be having a live stream on the third Thursday of every month to talk with you about your comments about what I write. The first one will be January 16 at 8 pm EST.
Enough with that. Let’s get on with it shall we.
Assume You Don’t Know Everything
One of the quickest ways to shut down a discussion is to assume that you know everything about a subject. The reality is that you don’t. It is possible to know all the facts of a particular issue and this often makes people feel like they have nothing to learn. But you don’t know the history of the person you are talking to. Our experiences shape how we view everything. They color our understanding of facts and lead us to bias. That includes the experience of winning arguments.
We all know this to be true. We all have seen other people argue with each other over something trivial. The reality of that situation is that the argument is not actually about IKEA furniture. It is about something that happened years ago, that was never dealt with. The past experiences of those involved is shaping the current discussion.
Further, assuming you don’t know everything means you are likely to learn something. I don’t always learn something about the subject that I am discussing, but I always learn something about the person that I am talking to. When you stop assuming you know why someone asked a particular question you learn about their motivation and intentions.
Actually Listen
Everyone thinks they are good listeners. Reality check—you aren’t as good a listener as you think! You have all kinds of things going on in your head as you pretend to listen to another person. You are thinking about your grocery list, or why they are wrong, or how you will respond, or the fact that you really need to use the bathroom. There is always something that will keep you from being a good listener. Accept that fact.
One of the most helpful things for me to learn was that to be a good listener I have to be listened to. Sometimes we just don’t have the capacity to listen to other people. That’s okay. But you need to find a way to be heard if you want to actually listen to someone else. This may mean that you have to schedule a discussion. As a pastor I often have people wanting to talk to me. But if I don’t have time to listen to them, I shouldn’t. I won’t be giving them my full attention and I may have to cut something short that needs to be longer.
Sharon Browning has put together some 5-minute videos on ways to help us listen to each other. She calls it “JUST Listening” and it is a really good resource to think about all the ways that we can listen better. If you want something more in depth you can read The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols.
Being Unsure is Okay
It can be tempting to have all the answers. As a pastor I often feel like I need to have the answer for every question that comes my way. I don’t. If I give someone my best guess on something, I should tell them it is a guess—especially when it comes to the Bible. It’s probably better to admit that I don’t know.
One of the things I love about discussing the Bible with people is learning something new about God. I have had times when someone had me stumped. You know what we did? We searched for the answer together. This may not always be the case. Sometimes people are trying to trip you up. The reality to this situation is that faking it will just lead you to more conflict when they realize that you really didn’t know. It’s always better to admit you don’t know, even if it means “losing” the argument.
Be Able to Articulate the Other Side’s Point
This is a big one. If you can’t summarize what the other person is saying and have them agree that’s what they said, then you haven’t understood them. This can be hard, because it can feel like you are agreeing with them. That’s not really the case, and unless you understand what they are saying you can’t understand how they might be right or wrong.
My senior year in high school I had a history teacher who had me debate in favor of protecting the caribou habitat in Alaska from oil pipelines. After the class where he assigned sides, I asked if I could switch. He told me that he knew I was in favor of the pipeline and that was why he put me on the other side. Well, I wanted to win the debate so I learned everything I could about protecting the caribou. I like to tell everyone that I won (it makes a better story), but I really can’t remember. What I do remember is that, after it was over, my teacher came to me and told me that now I was prepared to argue in favor of the pipeline.
You Think Differently Than Everyone Else
This is something I learned when I was in middle school. People just don’t think like me. The more I talk to people, the more I realize that humans just assume everyone thinks like they do. We assume that people will respond to circumstances the way we will. This then leads to conflict because we assume that the only reason they said or did (or didn’t say or didn’t do) something was because they hate us. The truth is usually that they are just different than we are.
Before you assume that someone has malicious intent, ask them about it. Seriously. ASK THEM! When we realize that we think differently than others we find that we are just not nice people. If I think you would stab me in the back, it’s probably because I would stab you in the back. If I think you are being disingenuous, it’s probably because I would be disingenuous in the same situation.
People Can Change
One of my favorite scenes in A Christmas Story is when Ralphie gets the bunny suit. The voice-over says “Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually four years old, but also a girl.” People can get stuck in their thinking. They can forget to give others grace. It can be hard to move forward when people think like that. Wouldn’t it be great if you stopped doing that to people?
It’s easy for us to see how we have changed. After all we know ourselves. We know what we think and we know why we do things. But other people are not so easy. We must have grace for people. Yes, people have hurt you in the past. They have been stupid. But so have you—and you changed. They can too.
Pray When Things Get Tough
The most important advice I can give you for having a productive conversation is to pray. Pray the whole time. When I am in particularly tough situations, I find that prayer changes the atmosphere. I have seen tense business meetings relax when someone has the wisdom to recommend prayer. That doesn’t mean that the situation was solved, but it did mean that people gained focus and perspective. We should always be seeking the will of God, especially when dealing with hard questions from Scripture. More than that, God has the ability to make enemies friends, change hard hearts, and open the ears of the deaf.
Well that’s all I have for this month. Remember if you want to send me comments you can do that on the Facebook page for my blog, Contemplating Kenosis. And don’t forget that I will be having a live stream to talk to all of you January 16 at 8 pm EST.
