Jan 22, 2014

What God Has Joined

by Renee Sanford

 

I thought we would grow old together

You and I,

I thought we’d recapture the joy of our first love together,

That the decades of acrimony and alienation would yield a gentle peace.

I thought that we’d get that miracle at least

Out of our stubborn commitment to keep on keeping on

Against the pain, against the odds.

I thought there would be a light at the end of the tunnel of self-inflicted torment.

A soft light where we’d walk hand in hand on aching joints into our sunset.

Not this. Not this.

I never thought of this.

I never thought of empty silent spaces, one light, one cup, one heart

One alone in the half-dark struggling to capture emotion in words.

I never thought one could stay coupled

Still one, season after season after season

Without you, with you, without you, with you

I never thought.

I never thought.

Oh God, I never thought.

 

(Written on our 31st wedding anniversary, five years after Doug died.)

 

I am so thankful that God included Jeremiah’s writings in scripture. Jeremiah knew the Lord, knew His plans, knew His plans were ultimately for good. Yet he cried out in grief and anguish. Jeremiah’s misery—and the passion with which he shares it—helps me come to terms with my loneliness and grief, even as I see the mighty hand of God’s goodness in my life, using my widowhood for His glory and ministry. I can grieve and worship Him. I can weep and praise Him.

I miss my beloved intensely and live joyfully. God understands.